Comparison Is The Thief Of All Joy: Learning To Focus On Watering My Own Grass
- bethlilyorchard
- Feb 20, 2025
- 5 min read
Let me tell you a secret- I am incredible at making up stories about other people. Not the mean, gossipy kind. Not the fun, novel kind. No. The kind of stories I make up are the kind that only I believe, and that only hurt me.
They say comparison is the thief of all joy, and I wholeheartedly believe that. Everything I do at the minute stems from comparing myself to someone else. Even working harder at uni is because I’ve seen others getting incredible grades whilst mine reflect mediocrity. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that one person’s success is not the absence of my own; nothing I do is good enough for me.
These comparisons aren’t even fair because I have no idea if they’re true; the perfect grades I see my classmates getting could be a reflection of hours of strenuous work and study, or a lie, or just because it’s something they excel at that I don’t, which is completely fine.
All the time I spend stressing about how I’m not good enough I could spend on actually getting better- the irony could be funny if it wasn’t so frustrating.
I wonder if I’m the only one (a common thing for a person to wonder, and something we never are) and I wonder if it will be this way forever. Will I be 80 years old seething with jealousy because Doris in room 104 is better at bingo than I am? It’s exhausting. I can’t live like this. I can’t see a way out. I think the worst part is that I want to be excited and happy for other people's success; I want to celebrate their achievements without subconsciously thinking of how mine diminish next to their light.
I saw a quote recently that resonated with who I want to be. It said, “I’m too busy watering my own grass to notice if yours is greener,”. The only problem is, even when I am working on myself, all it takes is one LinkedIn post to instantly bring those thoughts back to the forefront of my mind. I realised it was going to take a lot to rewire my brain to stop comparing myself.
I spoke to a therapist to find out their best tips to stop the constant comparison. They said: “It’s important to recognise that social media isn’t the full story. It’s a highlight reel of people’s biggest accomplishments and travels. Instead of comparing your progress to others, try focusing on your own journey. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they seem. Try to set personal goals that align with your values, not someone else’s.”
Taking social media breaks is something I have found important. Not only did it limit the opportunities I had to compare myself, but it also stopped me from doing things purely for the social gratification it would bring. Trips, holidays, and accomplishments all became just that- a trip, holiday, or accomplishment, not a way to prove that I’m living life to the fullest and achieving a Nobel Peace Prize at the same time. I do things because I want to do them, not because everyone knows I’ve done them. The only difficulty is it’s hard to carry on doing this when I redownload apps, and it’s even harder to stay in contact with friends and keep up with them without the apps, but this is a subject for another day.
“We can often be our own worst critics. When you notice thoughts like “I’m failing” or “I’m not good enough,” challenge them by asking yourself, “Is this really true?” Often, these thoughts are exaggerated, and the reality is that you’re doing the best you can with where you are right now. It’s okay to not be perfect. Practice showing yourself kindness and self-compassion instead of harsh judgement. Sometimes, comparing yourself to others happens because you’re thinking ahead too much, like focusing on your future or the success of others, instead of being present in the moment. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, journaling, or simply taking a few deep breaths, can help you reconnect with the present and quiet your mind from constantly worrying about what others are doing.”
Some of my friends I spoke to had similar advice, noting that they would say affirmations in the morning or when they felt like they were being particularly harsh on themselves, such as ‘My worth is not defined by my achievements’ and ‘I choose to focus on my progress, not perfection’. Affirmations can be used anytime, but are really helpful in the morning to set a positive tone for the day, and in moments of comparison.
If I’m being honest, I want what we all want- a quick, easy solution that doesn’t require any effort and would fix me straight away. But, obviously, there isn’t one. Rewiring my brain sounds exhausting. Getting down to the nitty-gritty of why I compare myself to others doesn’t sound fun, and it doesn’t sound like it will fix it, just that I’ll understand myself better. But then, wouldn’t getting to know myself deeply and understanding why I am how I am also help me to figure out what I need? If I know myself better, won’t I learn to love myself the way I love my friends? To celebrate myself more easily, be gentler with myself.
Although it’s going to be a long journey, the time will pass anyway. I want to learn to let go of all the jealous, anxious feelings, and just be. Wouldn’t it be lovely to find out I’m not good enough for something and be at peace with that? To know I’ll be okay because I’m good enough for myself and isn’t that all that matters anyway? I’m about ¼ of the way through my life now, and I’ve realised that by the time I reach the last quarter I will not care what grade I got on a module I didn’t enjoy, or whether I passed an exam the first time, or whether I got a merit or distinction overall in my degree. I’ll probably be proud I got a degree regardless of my grade, and then I’ll think about something else, like how lovely it was when I sat in a coffee shop with my friends and laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I want to be able to water my grass and admire how lovely other people’s gardens are, but I like mine the best because it’s mine. Just because somebody else has more flowers, or got flowers first, doesn’t make my garden ugly- just different.
Journal Prompts:
What is it about other people’s achievements that makes me feel inadequate or jealous?
When did I first start comparing myself to others, and how has that affected me over time?
What would happen if I stopped comparing myself to others? How would I feel if I embraced my own unique path?
What would I say to a friend who felt like I do right now?
How can I practice self-compassion when I’m feeling jealous or insecure?
How can I celebrate my own journey instead of measuring it against someone else’s?
Affirmations:
Comments